


can you hear the words that i say to you

by timekept



Category: McElroy Vlogs & Podcasts RPF, Polygon RPF
Genre: ...yet, Finger Sucking, Implied Sexual Content, Kissing, Light Angst, Loneliness, M/M, Pining, So sue me, YELL HEAH, also, brief masturbation mention oops, can u tell i cheered up a lil, ending is a little rushed bc its 11pm, good luck, i just dont write penis stuff, im writing these tags like a paragraph in so uh, look im coping, oops im back to tag more stuff because boy howdy, sorry i didnt save ur show pool idiots, they bone ok
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-25
Updated: 2017-07-25
Packaged: 2018-12-06 12:10:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,670
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11600364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/timekept/pseuds/timekept
Summary: Nick was exhausted.It wasn't the kind of exhaustion that sleep could fix; 2 hours, 10, 16, that didn't matter. Nick could wake up at two in the afternoon and feel it, the cloying tiredness that sunk its teeth into him and dragged him down, down, deep into the abyssopelagic zone to drown. He was a flailing prey animal in the maw of his own subconscious and the silt and seawater that flooded his lungs felt more real than the San Francisco sun that burned his neck and blinded his eyes.





	can you hear the words that i say to you

**Author's Note:**

> just a short, kind of disorganized drabble I started to deal with some pervasive feelings of exhaustion I've been struggling with. Sorry for any weird pacing or OOC stuff, I'm not a very experienced writer.

Nick was exhausted.

It wasn't the kind of exhaustion that sleep could fix; 2 hours, 10, 16, that didn't matter. Nick could wake up at two in the afternoon and feel it, the cloying tiredness that sunk its teeth into him and dragged him down, down, deep into the abyssopelagic zone to drown. He was a flailing prey animal in the maw of his own subconscious and the silt and seawater that flooded his lungs felt more real than the San Francisco sun that burned his neck and blinded his eyes.

There are only so many times, Nick found, that he could jerk off to the thought of his coworker and best friend, moan guiltily as he spilled come into his palm to the sound of Griffin's voice before he was forced to realize it's somehow too much and more. Only so many times of rerunning fantasies in his head until the voice that purred  _"Good boy, Nick, come for me"_ turned into _"You're so beautiful like this, I love you"_   and the shame of it makes Nick want to scream or cry or run. There are only so many times that he could stand being approached by a motherly woman in the grocery store, kids in tow, who tapped on his shoulder with an _"Are you alright dear? We've passed this aisle three times in the past 20 minutes and you've been staring at that same box of mac-n-cheese the whole time."_   before something snaps because he's 27 years old now and he's about to break down crying in the fucking pasta aisle of Safeway in front of a woman he doesn't even know, because he's in love with someone he can never have and it's too much to cope with so his brain just fucking shuts down.

Nick spent his days trying to ignore the way he was withdrawing, trying to ignore the way everyone tried to prevent it. _Like ripping off a band-aid,_ he reasoned to himself, pretending not to see the way Griffin's brow knotted and he opened his mouth to speak before Nick hit the **_End Call_** button after an episode of CoolGames Inc., pretended that Pat and Simone's texts to him hadn't been developing undertones of concern or pity. In the same way he'd pretended for years he wasn't falling in love with his best friend and coworker, Nick pretended now that he wasn't drowning. Pretended he'd always drank this much before, always smoked this much weed, pretended that even fucking _Andy_   wasn't getting on his case about how poorly he was functioning. But if he hadn't felt the grit of salt and sand in his mouth before, there was no ignoring it now.

* * *

 

As E3 approached, Nick found it harder and harder to keep himself together, harder to stay aloof or untouchable. 

 **griffin:** you ready for E3?! hyped for PoolGames Inc 2?!

Consistent communication, scheduling, planning--all of it required sobriety and for Nick to fall back into step with everyone--and therefore with Griffin.  
  
**nick:**  heck yeah. we're gonna be those good soggy soggy soft boys again  
**griffin:** and you get the honor of bunking with Forbes 30-Under-30 Media Luminary, Yours Truly, dont forget

It was too easy for Nick to forget he'd spent weeks trying to gain some distance, some semblance of space in which to work out his thoughts and feelings. Griffin was a magnet, and Nick's iron will could only betray him; he fell all-too-effortlessly back into Griffin's orbit.

 **nick:**  yeah yeah but let me tell you, media luminary or not if you snore i _will_ smother you to death  
**griffin:** :(

* * *

 

Griffin was patient and kind and understanding; an assortment of all-good-things, and Nick was thankful that when they finally met up at the hotel Griffin just hugged him and didn't comment on how distant he'd been or how tired he looked behind the eyes. Walking the floor at E3 was overwhelming but welcome; Nick knew the other shoe was going to drop at some point, but between the games and consoles and fans there wasn't time for Nick to get caught up in his thoughts or for anyone else to confront him for ghosting out on everyone over the past couple months. It was easy for Nick to coast through the reporting, the recording, the fan photos and hugs and handshakes. It wasn't even all that difficult for Nick to muster up a reassuring smile and a response of "I was just dealing with some personal stuff." when Justin caught him by the arm before PoolGames Inc 2.0 started recording and asked why he'd been so distant recently. Alcohol and humor, steam and heat, made getting through the podcast even easier, and Nick found himself genuinely laughing, grinning to his friends and barely blushing at the translucency of Griffin's white t-shirt.

It was afterwards that it stopped being easy. After the cameras were off and everyone had said their goodnights, after first Justin and Tara, and then Clayton, Simone and Pat, retreated to their hotel rooms as the night crept on. Nick relished in the night air, out of the hot tub, beside Griffin with his feet in the pool and feeling the gentle breeze against his skin.

"Hey Nick?"

"What's up, Griffin?"

"What's been going on with you, dog?" 

Nick froze, his senses dialing up to maximum until the quiet _splish-splash_ of the pool water churned by its filter crashed in Nick's ears like storm-driven ocean waves. Alcohol still buzzed in his mind, muddying his thoughts and jumbling his words.

"I...." Nick couldn't figure out what to follow up with, and nervously began chewing on his lower lip. He stared resolutely into the water, afraid that if he made eye contact with Griffin all would be lost, that his close friend would read him like an open book.

"Hey, hey, dude, don't do that, you'll break the skin." Griffin said gently, and delicately took Nick's chin in his thumb and forefingers, forcing the younger man to stop the assault on his bottom lip. Nick let out a shaky breath, expecting Griffin to drop his hand...but he didn't. It was a silence that was neither comfortable nor unsettling that fell over them as Griffin's fingers twitched, prompting Nick to reluctantly turn his head to look at his friend. As he did so, though, Griffin's thumb brushed over his bottom lip, eliciting a sharp intake of breath from the older man. But still, he kept his hand there, against Nick's flushed face, his thumb resting just barely between Nick's slightly-parted lips. It could have been seconds, it could have been hours, but Nick saw the flush creep into Griffin's face, the hitch in his breathing every time Nick shakily exhaled, his breath hot and wet on Griffin's hand, and so Nick threw caution to the wind. Cautiously, tilting his head imperceptibly forward, Nick shut his lips on the tip of Griffin's thumb, just barely touching it with the tip of his tongue.

"Oh.... _God,_ Nick." Griffin's voice was low and strained with want, and Nick finally locked eyes with him. Griffin's pupils were dilated, his glasses askew. He looked like a hot mess and hell if Nick didn't love it. Nick blinked slowly at him, then slightly parted his lips to snake his tongue down below the pad of Griffin's thumb, guiding it into his mouth with gentle suction until he could feel the knuckle behind his teeth, Griffin's fingers curled against his jaw. A thin, wavering noise escaped Griffin's throat as Nick swirled his tongue around the digit in his mouth, sucking gently and teasingly before releasing it with a wet  _pop_. There was a beat, a split second where the air crackled with uncertainty like static electricity, and then Griffin's fingers were firmer against Nick's jaw, his other hand tangling in Nick's hair and their lips met, all desire, heated and needy. Nick curled his hands into Griffin's shirt, the heartbeat he felt through the fabric anchoring him. _This is real_ , it thrummed beneath his fingers as Griffin slipped his tongue into Nick's mouth and tugged gently on his hair. Nick couldn't help the half-stifled moan that was drawn from his chest. They broke apart for air, foreheads pressed together, breaths heavy and shaking.

"Fuck, Nick, I'm glad we're sharing a hotel room." Griffin panted.

"Upstairs?" Nick asked, tilting his head towards the upper floors of the hotel that overlooked the pool. _Shall we?_

"Upstairs."

* * *

 

It was still early when Nick woke up, the sun lazily peering through the blinds, casting the yellow-pink rays of morning light over the crumpled sheets, the discarded pile of clothes on the floor. Nick would have thought it just another dream to drink away if the bed across the room wasn't entirely untouched, if Griffin's arm wasn't draped casually across Nick's bare chest. Nick was filled with sudden anxious energy, unsure of how Griffin would feel when he woke up, if this would mean anything. Nick busied himself, taking a quick shower and starting the hotel coffee-maker. Nick had just barely finished pulling on clean clothes as the Keurig beeped, the smell of sub-par hotel coffee drifting through the morning air. Griffin stirred, then raised a hand to scrub the sleep from his eyes. Nick tried to keep his hands from shaking.

"Mmm. G'morning, Nick." Griffin yawned, stretching. "Did you sleep okay?"

"I think I'm in love with you." Nick mumbled, his mouth moving faster than his brain could reign in his words, and for a moment he was afraid he'd said too much, but Griffin couldn't stop the sleepy grin spreading across his face.

"That been building for a while, or am I just a fuckin' MLG Pro at the Bone Zone?" Griffin teased. Nick flushed.

"Never call it that again or I will pour this hot coffee directly on your junk."

"Nicolas! You wouldn't!"

"Try me!"

 

It was just past eight in the morning, and for the first time in months, Nick didn't feel tired at all.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I _will_ update my chaptered Soulmate AU fic, I promise, it's just fighting me a bit and I wanted to get some more writing practice in because I'm forever lacking confidence.
> 
> Also I spent a solid 7 minutes turning my head and sucking my own damn thumb to make sure my writing was alright so let no one say I'm not dedicated


End file.
